Don't Give Up Too Soon
The transition to motherhood is not what I expected it to be. I anticipated enjoying every moment of it, and although life with a new baby would be exhausting, it would be oh so wonderful! However, in my personal experience—it proved to be far more difficult than I ever imagined it would be.
Henry’s birth was, I suppose some would say, traumatic. I labored with him for 29 hours while the Drs and Nurses kept a close eye on his heart rate as is decreased with every contraction. On the morning of the 14th of September the Dr and Midwife gave me a choice- take a gamble and wait or have a c-section and have a better chance at positive outcomes. I chose the c-section, and I am so thankful I did! Henry was born at 8:44 that morning healthy and very bright-eyed!
My time in the hospital was marvelous (in spite of being woken up around the clock to have vitals checked), and going home felt incredible (especially since we were more or less confined to our room due to the pandemic). The only catch was the list of restrictions for my recovery—I didn’t realize how much I wouldn’t be allowed to do since I had surgery, and I was still struggling a little bit to breastfeed.
We got home Thursday and Michael went back to work that Monday. I started to slowly unravel. I never went outside and I was obsessed with Henry’s sleeping and eating… He didn’t always want to latch without a nipple shield and I struggled with thoughts that I was breastfeeding wrong and I would mess him up because we couldn’t get the hang of it. I cried so many tears during each nursing session as I continued to work though my new reality. My mom, when available, would come to my rescue in the evenings to give me a word of encouragement and also warn me about my symptoms… high emotions, not being able to sleep, feeling like I couldn’t go outside, obsessing with Henry’s sleep/eating, obsessing over his routine and bath time etc. She told me if these things continued then I might need some extra help and that would be more than okay! However, being a new mother, I just thought these things were normal new mom emotions, so I really didn’t think anything of it (I though she might be over reacting), that over time these thoughts and feelings would just go away. But they didn’t.
The mornings went well, but as the days dragged on I didn’t know how I could make it… I felt like I lived for bed time. Once I put Henry down for the night, I would crawl into bed myself and hope for a better day tomorrow. This continued for quite sometime, but on the days Michael would be home before midnight it was a little easier, and I could get through the next couple of days. I would just push myself saying: tomorrow will be better… I just have to get to tomorrow.
Amidst all of these days I was also bombarded with guilt. Thinking to myself- “you shouldn’t be wishing these days away!” “He won’t be this little for long- you didn't hold him enough today!” “If you let him play on his back too long he will get a flat head!” “Why aren’t you better at breastfeeding? You should have this down by now!” These thoughts along with excruciating back pain (that started on and off well before Henry was in our lives) I felt defeated. I felt lost. I just wanted a break. I wanted a do over.
On one particularly difficult night, Henry was screaming while I struggled to get him ready for bed—tears streaming down my own cheeks and blurring my vision I thought: “I just want to run away from all of this…”
Scared and startled by that thought, I grabbed my phone looking for a particular song—one that usually helped me through the dark moments—when Henry flailed his arm and it hit my phone and a different song began to play: Don’t give up too soon By JJ Heller. Henry calmed as I cradled him in my arms, and I cried silently as the words washed over me:
“When it feels like you have fallen
To the bottom of a well
Oh, there is nothing braver
Than calling out for help
Please keep waiting
Hope is coming
Don’t give up to soon
Jesus cares for every sparrow
I know he cares for you”
I knew things were only getting worse, not better. I knew I needed to open up to my mom and be more honest about what I was experiencing.
Since then, I’ve hit some “milestones” of my own. They might not seem like much to you, but to me they are a big deal: going outside on a regular basis, going to target alone with Henry for the first time, not spending day after day locked inside, Sleeping better (not longer ;) just more peacefully), and we (Henry and I) have finally figured out this whole breastfeeding thing and it’s looking like I always hoped it would! Four month in, and I feel like I am starting to thrive!
Motherhood isn’t quite everything I thought it would be when I was a little girl playing with my baby dolls— It’s tremendously harder, and there is more pain than I ever would have imagined. However, there is a rich beauty in it as well—one I hope I never take for granted.
Here are the full lyrics to the song and a link to listen if you would like:
By JJ Heller, David Heller, and Leslie Jordan
The night is not so scary
When you know how to fly
But when your wings are broken
You start praying for the light
Please keep waiting for the morning
Don’t give up too soon
Jesus cares for every sparrow
I know he cares for you
Oh please don’t give up too soon
When you’re left out in the open
You feel every drop of rain
From every storm that passes
Every hour of the day
Please keep waiting for the morning
Don’t give up too soon
Jesus cares for every sparrow
I know he cares for you
Oh please don’t give up too soon
When it feels like you have fallen
To the bottom of a well
Oh, there is nothing braver
Than calling out for help
Please keep waiting
Hope is coming
Don’t give up to soon
Jesus cares for every sparrow
I know he cares for you
Oh please don’t give up too soon
He waits with you
Don’t give up too soon